an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
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Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
If you had more money you’d be happier.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Do one person every day that scares you.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
not for long
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes