WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
this is the news I live for
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.