Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.