I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss