Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
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Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
A man of commitment.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My love language is deader than Latin
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?