8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
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Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them