Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
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Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time