[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
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Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
True freaking story!
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
That was easy.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Why is this me 😫
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony