“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
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Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Ion see the issue
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.