*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.