The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?