“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
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My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
lmfao come on
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Meeeee too!
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night