gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
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My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.