Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
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When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
If only.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.