Pigeon open mic night.
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
What the dentist sees
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless