I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.