Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down