Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
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Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
can’t talk my ride’s here
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Sharon I have some bad news
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well