Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.