This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.