[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
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Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night