I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet 鉂わ笍馃枙鉂わ笍
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Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I鈥檓 carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
When I tell a joke that doesn鈥檛 land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
If you鈥檙e not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.