WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
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At an art museum and I thought this was art
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
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Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
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Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?