Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
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UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My safe word is Worcestershire
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.