I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
This could’ve been an email.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.