Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
become ungovernable
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl