My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
You Might Also Like
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!