I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The glory of fall.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.