Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions