A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
You Might Also Like
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff