Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Tammy is short for Tamuel
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.