Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Breaking news:
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.