*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
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Introverted vegans go meetless
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.