I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole