The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
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So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops