Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
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Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.