A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
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Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I hope Alan is OK
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this