We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
You Might Also Like
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
a public service announcement
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Come back with a warrant
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Hey I worked for it too!
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone