Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
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ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*