I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
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Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I’m listening
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
i love modern commerce