I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
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Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Don’t snitch tag.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday