Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Meow
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer