JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.