Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
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You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me My dog
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Has there ever been a more American story?
car not found
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma