I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
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I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
lmfao come on
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES