Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.