[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
You Might Also Like
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah