Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
You Might Also Like
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.