THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.