a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
You Might Also Like
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.